Potted Potter
Duo, by Jeff Clarkson and Dan Turner
INTRO
Dan and Jeff:
Ready…Start the book!
Jeff: Once upon
a time, there was a boy named Harry Potter.
Dan: Hi, I’m
Harry Potter.
Jeff: He was 11.
Dan : (High
Voice) Hi, I’m Harry Potter.
Jeff: He lived
under the stairs.
Dan: (High Voice
while crouching down) I live under the stairs.
Jeff: Now, it
turned out he was a wizard, so they gave him a wand and an owl called Hedgewig.
To be a fully-fledged wizard, you had to go to the Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry. And of course, the only way to get to the Hogwarts
School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was to go to Platform 9 and 3/4s, and of
course the only way to get to Platform 9 and 3/4s was to run straight through
the wall.
Dan: Straight
through the wall.
Jeff: Right through
the wall.
Dan: Straight
through the wall.
Jeff: You’re not
running through the wall.
Dan: I’m not as
stupid as you are.
Dan: When Harry
got to Hogwarts, he made some good friends, the first of which was a young boy
by the name of Ron Weasely.
Jeff: (Like a
rock star) I’m Ron Weasely! I is phat with a ph. I is a ginger ninja!
Dan: He made
another friend as well, a young lady by the name of Hermione Granger.
Jeff: (Deep
voice) Hello! I’m Hermione Granger!
Dan: She was
also 11.
Jeff: (Deep
Voice) I know!
Dan: You didn’t
know many girls when you were 11 did you?
Jeff: Still
don’t know many to be quite honest.
Dan: Now, along
with friends, Harry also made some enemies, the first of which was a teacher by
the name Professor Snape.
Jeff: I hate
you! (Slaps Dan)
Dan: Ow! He made
another enemy as well by the name of Draco Malfoy.
Jeff: I hate you
as well! (Slaps Dan again)
Dan: Ow! Stop!
Stop! Why are you slapping me in front of the audience? Ok you know what, time
for me to be the bad guy for a change, see how you like it! (Deep Voice) Oh I’m
Draco Malfoy I’m not very nice I go around hitting people yeah!
Jeff: I don’t
like you very much either! (Slaps Dan)
Dan: Ow! You
know what forget it! Now, along with friends and enemies, Harry discovered a
sport he liked to play very much called Quidditch. Now, Quidditch is a game—
Jeff: (Cutting
him off) All right it’s time to play Quidditch! All right! (Pointing at the
audience) You two are my bludgers, you in the back is the keeper, and I’m the
seeker. Let’s go!
Dan: Does the
keeper have a broom?
Jeff: Well why
would I need they need brooms if we just want to play Quidditch?
Dan: Well, If
you want to play Quidditch, you need a broom, and the keeper needs a broom.
Jeff: A bunch of
wizards riding around on brooms, isn’t that a little far-fetched?
Dan: No broom,
no Quidditch.
Jeff: Ugh,
stupid no broom no Quidditch rules. Oh, I’ve got a broom fetish.
Dan: Ignoring
that, now we move on to the crux of the book, the Philosopher’s Stone. Now, the
philosopher’s stone in question is something that the evil Lord Voldemort—
Jeff: Ah you
said Voldemort! Wait I said Voldemort! Oh I said it again! Oh shut up!
Dan: Thank you
for that, so the Stone is something that Lord—Unmentionable needs to regain his
powers.
Jeff: Muahaha!
It is I, the evil Lord Voldemort!
Dan: Ha-ha you
said your own name!
Jeff: Of course
I have to say my own name you silly little man! Now, I must get to the
Sorcerer’s Stone before Harry Potter! Here is The Sorcerer’s Stone! Here is
Harry Potter!
(Exchange
glances between looking at the stone and at each other)
Dan: (Grabs
stone) Ha-ha! Got it before you!
Jeff: No! Harry
Potter defeated me for the first time!
Dan: End of Book
1! Quickly, to Book 2!
Jeff: Can we go
home now?
Dan: No, there are still books to go! Now Book Number 2! Harry Potter, and the Chamber of Secrets! Now, fresh from his victory over Lord Voldemort in the first book, Harry is very much looking forward to his second year at Hogwarts. That is, until he is visited by a strange little house elf named Dobby.
Dan: No, there are still books to go! Now Book Number 2! Harry Potter, and the Chamber of Secrets! Now, fresh from his victory over Lord Voldemort in the first book, Harry is very much looking forward to his second year at Hogwarts. That is, until he is visited by a strange little house elf named Dobby.
Jeff: (High
Voice) Oh hello! It’s me, Dobby! Now, Harry Potter you must not go back to Hogwarts!
You can’t (Starts hitting him) you can’t! You can’t! You’re gonna die! You’re
gonna die!
Dan: Ok, ok stop
it! Strangely enough, Harry didn’t listen to Dobby’s advice, and he carried
straight on back to Hogwarts, where he looked forward to another exciting year
of fun, and magic and spells. Now, when they got back to Hogwarts, they
discovered that all was not as well as they had hoped, because Harry’s very
good friend Hagrid is accused of opening the door to the Chamber of Secrets.
Jeff: (Scottish
accent) Oh hello there! My name’s Hagrid! I’m a big fat giant! I didn’t open
the door to the Chamber of Secrets, but someone did! Aye! (Singing) You take
the low road, and I’ll take the high road and I’ll be in Scotland before you.
Dan: (Sighs)
Now, no one’s worked out how to get Hagrid off the hook…that is until the
discovery of a diary written by a young boy from the past.
Jeff: Aha! It’s
me, a young boy, from the past!
Dan: Now, no one
could work out who Tom Riddle was…
Jeff: Well, it’s
me.
Dan: I know
that! But they don’t. (Gestures to the audience)
Jeff: Oh! (To
audience) It’s me.
Dan: Now, no one
could work out who Tom Riddle was, that is until they discovered his middle
name and soon solved the conundrum.
*Both hum
jeopardy theme. Then Jeff “buzzes” in.*
Dan: Yes Tom
Marvalo Riddle
Jeff: Tom
Marvalo Riddle is I am Lord Voldemort! And now, Harry Potter, you will die at
the hands of the evil serpent of the Chamber of Secrets!
Dan: Oh no! A
terrifying serpent that’s terrible and scary! I’m too young to die!
Jeff: (uses
hands as a serpent) Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Bite. End of Book 2! On a cliffhanger
too!
Dan: That’s not
the end!
Jeff: Oh right,
hiss hiss bite fight.
Dan: What is
that?
Jeff: It’s the
terrifying serpent from the Chamber of Secrets. Oh no run for the hills it’s
getting me.
Dan: And what,
pray tell, happened to the 25 foot animatronic serpent I wanted to burst out
from the top of the stage scaring everyone?
Jeff: (Shrugs)
Carry on.
Dan: Start the book. Ok so now that Harry is
fighting this terrifying serpent, the only thing that can save him is if
Dumble—Oh my God! We haven’t mentioned Dumbledore!
Jeff: Is he
important?
Dan: Jeff, he’s
only the greatest wizard of all time, not to mention the head teacher of
Hogwarts.
Jeff: So he’s
the greatest wizard of all time, and he decided to go into teaching?
Dan: The point
is, Dumbledore is a very important character, we’re halfway through book 2 and
we haven’t even mentioned him!
Jeff: Well you
just mentioned him there.
Dan: Does that
count?
Jeff: Yeah, why
not, move on!
Dan: Alright! So
now, Harry is up against the terrifying serpent, and the only thing that can
save him is if Dumbledore’s phoenix flies in and saves him, which it does! And
now Harry’s up against the terrifying Lord Voldemort and the only way to defeat
Voldemort is to stab the diary with the serpent’s tooth. And guess what? He
does!
Jeff: Oh no!
Harry Potter you have defeated me for a second time. I’m seeing a pattern
forming here and to be quite honest I’m not best pleased
Dan: End of book
2! Do we have time for any more?
Jeff: No I think
that’s it!
Dan: Thank you
very much!
*End while
humming Harry Potter theme, just like beginning*
END