Friday, September 21, 2012

Potted Potter

Potted Potter Duo, by Jeff Clarkson and Dan Turner


Dan and Jeff: Ready…Start the book!

Jeff: Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry Potter.

Dan: Hi, I’m Harry Potter.

Jeff: He was 11.

Dan : (High Voice) Hi, I’m Harry Potter.

Jeff: He lived under the stairs.

Dan: (High Voice while crouching down) I live under the stairs.

Jeff: Now, it turned out he was a wizard, so they gave him a wand and an owl called Hedgewig. To be a fully-fledged wizard, you had to go to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And of course, the only way to get to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was to go to Platform 9 and 3/4s, and of course the only way to get to Platform 9 and 3/4s was to run straight through the wall.

Dan: Straight through the wall.

Jeff: Right through the wall.

Dan: Straight through the wall.

Jeff: You’re not running through the wall.

Dan: I’m not as stupid as you are.

Dan: When Harry got to Hogwarts, he made some good friends, the first of which was a young boy by the name of Ron Weasely.

Jeff: (Like a rock star) I’m Ron Weasely! I is phat with a ph. I is a ginger ninja!

Dan: He made another friend as well, a young lady by the name of Hermione Granger.

Jeff: (Deep voice) Hello! I’m Hermione Granger!

Dan: She was also 11.

Jeff: (Deep Voice) I know!

Dan: You didn’t know many girls when you were 11 did you?

Jeff: Still don’t know many to be quite honest.

Dan: Now, along with friends, Harry also made some enemies, the first of which was a teacher by the name Professor Snape.

Jeff: I hate you! (Slaps Dan)

Dan: Ow! He made another enemy as well by the name of Draco Malfoy.

Jeff: I hate you as well! (Slaps Dan again)

Dan: Ow! Stop! Stop! Why are you slapping me in front of the audience? Ok you know what, time for me to be the bad guy for a change, see how you like it! (Deep Voice) Oh I’m Draco Malfoy I’m not very nice I go around hitting people yeah!

Jeff: I don’t like you very much either! (Slaps Dan)

Dan: Ow! You know what forget it! Now, along with friends and enemies, Harry discovered a sport he liked to play very much called Quidditch. Now, Quidditch is a game—

Jeff: (Cutting him off) All right it’s time to play Quidditch! All right! (Pointing at the audience) You two are my bludgers, you in the back is the keeper, and I’m the seeker. Let’s go!

Dan: Does the keeper have a broom?

Jeff: Well why would I need they need brooms if we just want to play Quidditch?

Dan: Well, If you want to play Quidditch, you need a broom, and the keeper needs a broom.

Jeff: A bunch of wizards riding around on brooms, isn’t that a little far-fetched?

Dan: No broom, no Quidditch.

Jeff: Ugh, stupid no broom no Quidditch rules. Oh, I’ve got a broom fetish.

Dan: Ignoring that, now we move on to the crux of the book, the Philosopher’s Stone. Now, the philosopher’s stone in question is something that the evil Lord Voldemort—

Jeff: Ah you said Voldemort! Wait I said Voldemort! Oh I said it again! Oh shut up!

Dan: Thank you for that, so the Stone is something that Lord—Unmentionable needs to regain his powers.

Jeff: Muahaha! It is I, the evil Lord Voldemort!

Dan: Ha-ha you said your own name!

Jeff: Of course I have to say my own name you silly little man! Now, I must get to the Sorcerer’s Stone before Harry Potter! Here is The Sorcerer’s Stone! Here is Harry Potter!

(Exchange glances between looking at the stone and at each other)

Dan: (Grabs stone) Ha-ha! Got it before you!

Jeff: No! Harry Potter defeated me for the first time!

Dan: End of Book 1! Quickly, to Book 2!

Jeff: Can we go home now?

Dan: No, there are still books to go! Now Book Number 2! Harry Potter, and the Chamber of Secrets! Now, fresh from his victory over Lord Voldemort in the first book, Harry is very much looking forward to his second year at Hogwarts. That is, until he is visited by a strange little house elf named Dobby.

Jeff: (High Voice) Oh hello! It’s me, Dobby! Now, Harry Potter you must not go back to Hogwarts! You can’t (Starts hitting him) you can’t! You can’t! You’re gonna die! You’re gonna die!

Dan: Ok, ok stop it! Strangely enough, Harry didn’t listen to Dobby’s advice, and he carried straight on back to Hogwarts, where he looked forward to another exciting year of fun, and magic and spells. Now, when they got back to Hogwarts, they discovered that all was not as well as they had hoped, because Harry’s very good friend Hagrid is accused of opening the door to the Chamber of Secrets.

Jeff: (Scottish accent) Oh hello there! My name’s Hagrid! I’m a big fat giant! I didn’t open the door to the Chamber of Secrets, but someone did! Aye! (Singing) You take the low road, and I’ll take the high road and I’ll be in Scotland before you.

Dan: (Sighs) Now, no one’s worked out how to get Hagrid off the hook…that is until the discovery of a diary written by a young boy from the past.

Jeff: Aha! It’s me, a young boy, from the past!

Dan: Now, no one could work out who Tom Riddle was…

Jeff: Well, it’s me.

Dan: I know that! But they don’t. (Gestures to the audience)

Jeff: Oh! (To audience) It’s me.

Dan: Now, no one could work out who Tom Riddle was, that is until they discovered his middle name and soon solved the conundrum.

*Both hum jeopardy theme. Then Jeff “buzzes” in.*

Dan: Yes Tom Marvalo Riddle

Jeff: Tom Marvalo Riddle is I am Lord Voldemort! And now, Harry Potter, you will die at the hands of the evil serpent of the Chamber of Secrets!

Dan: Oh no! A terrifying serpent that’s terrible and scary! I’m too young to die!

Jeff: (uses hands as a serpent) Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Bite. End of Book 2! On a cliffhanger too!

Dan: That’s not the end!

Jeff: Oh right, hiss hiss bite fight.

Dan: What is that?

Jeff: It’s the terrifying serpent from the Chamber of Secrets. Oh no run for the hills it’s getting me.

Dan: And what, pray tell, happened to the 25 foot animatronic serpent I wanted to burst out from the top of the stage scaring everyone? 

Jeff: (Shrugs) Carry on.

Dan: Start  the book. Ok so now that Harry is fighting this terrifying serpent, the only thing that can save him is if Dumble—Oh my God! We haven’t mentioned Dumbledore!

Jeff: Is he important?

Dan: Jeff, he’s only the greatest wizard of all time, not to mention the head teacher of Hogwarts.

Jeff: So he’s the greatest wizard of all time, and he decided to go into teaching?

Dan: The point is, Dumbledore is a very important character, we’re halfway through book 2 and we haven’t even mentioned him!

Jeff: Well you just mentioned him there.

Dan: Does that count?

Jeff: Yeah, why not, move on!

Dan: Alright! So now, Harry is up against the terrifying serpent, and the only thing that can save him is if Dumbledore’s phoenix flies in and saves him, which it does! And now Harry’s up against the terrifying Lord Voldemort and the only way to defeat Voldemort is to stab the diary with the serpent’s tooth. And guess what? He does!

Jeff: Oh no! Harry Potter you have defeated me for a second time. I’m seeing a pattern forming here and to be quite honest I’m not best pleased

Dan: End of book 2! Do we have time for any more?

Jeff: No I think that’s it!

Dan: Thank you very much!

*End while humming Harry Potter theme, just like beginning*